I’ve been looking for the perfect relationship my whole life. I needed to fill that empty space inside me. As a child, I tried to find good friends with whom I could share my life, experiences, feelings, I longed to belong somewhere, to fit somewhere. Who doesn’t? However, I always had a problem with that and the surroundings were not very friendly to me, I experienced ridicule and bullying. It was also not ideal at home, I do not come from harmonious conditions, a complete standard family, and therefore as a child I had to face more serious family problems than those experienced by my peers.
That was probably the main reason why I couldn’t fit in anywhere, I couldn’t find refuge with anyone, understanding, so I slowly began to close in on my surroundings and I didn’t even try to burden them with my problems and inner feelings. However, I tried it a few times, I confided, but in the end I was disappointed anyway. It taught me that people can’t be trusted and I have to deal with everything myself. I believed that I could do everything best myself. Even though I had already given up, I hoped in the corner of my soul that one day I would find someone I could be with, with everything inside me, that he would accept and understand me and fill the void in me. .
I alternated game after game because I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had people around me, I changed boys, but I didn’t feel accepted with anyone, real interest, no one could fill that empty space inside me. I was sitting on a train that was rushing somewhere. I was looking for people who were older than me, I thought I would find understanding with them sooner, but no, on the contrary, I felt even worse. Party, alcohol, “eye-catching” friendships, I suddenly started adapting to my surroundings just to fit in somewhere. At that time, I listened to hard rock, metal, punk rock, in the lyrics I found understanding, a certain form of rebellion and rebellion against everything that happened to me. I often ran away from home and concerts became my second home. I thought it helped me, but in reality it only nourished my grief and brought even more darkness to life, and my behavior gradually worsened.
I was losing myself more and more, my own dignity. The pain in me was still growing, and with it the feelings of guilt and shame. I felt that I could no longer love, that I was the worst person in the world, and I no longer even deserved my love. I didn’t know myself where I could go to fit in somewhere. I longed to turn it all around, to change, to start again with a clean slate (I actually started “again” about a million times). Well, unsuccessfully. It always caught up with me and I was getting more and more desperate.
I watched horror movies and after my last I started waving sleep paralysis, which literally tortured me. I had dark dreams with different beings, I was afraid to go to bed, so I chatted for a few nights, didn’t go to school – from which I had other problems. One evening, when I was about to go to bed and I was very scared, I began to pray the prayer “Our Father …” just as I remembered from childhood, because I was not a believer, I believed that something was, from I should have been curious and I was asking myself questions like: Why do we exist? Is there anything after death? Who created the whole earth? How is all this possible? What is the meaning of life? I didn’t believe Darwin’s theory of evolution that we came from monkeys and the like. I knew there was something much bigger behind it.
As a little girl, whenever something bothered me, I went to walk in the fields and prayed, begging for a better situation, a better life, a correction in the family. That’s the only way I could get everything out of me. I told someone I thought he was listening to me. My family did not lead me to God, we did not go to church, they told me about him, but they let me decide for myself then. I also tried to go to a Catholic church, but I didn’t feel good there, the people there were sad, stiff, I just didn’t like this “God” and I rejected it. It also helped that instead of helping, I only got alienated, that I was a buckwheat, that I did not belong there, that I was a sinner, and therefore they should not talk to me. My best friends forbade my parents to have contact with me because I was not a believer and I had to sneak up on her and we went out to the “secretary”. They looked at me as something bad. I was just a child then, I went to primary school.
So as I prayed before going to bed, somewhere very deep inside, I hoped that this one could help me. And I finally woke up after two months without sleep paralysis, and I no longer dreamed of the dark dreams that kept me awake. I was looking forward to it, but I didn’t deal with it anymore. Then another thing happened to me “again”, I longed to draw a rough line behind my previous life and I believed that this time I would definitely succeed. I believed that all this would turn out to be good, even though I could no longer trust people.
At that time, I met Benjamin, surprisingly, I did not dismiss this relationship before he began. I felt differently with him, he was something special, different, I wanted to know what it was. Our conversations got deeper and deeper, he told me about God, about Jesus, he explained everything to me and everything suddenly started to make sense to me. I felt that this was the thing I had longed for all my life, what I had been looking for all my life was true. Nobody has told me talto about God before. He introduced him to me as a loving Father who sacrificed his own Son for me so that he could save me, that he had a better and eternal life ready for me, and that he could forgive me, that he would accept me and that he could forgive me every sin and cleanse me of all evil. What the following Bible verses say.
„For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life.“John 3:16
„If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.“1. John 1:9
„and he is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for the whole world.“1. John 2:2
It affected me so much that I decided to give my life to Jesus, I knew it was the right way, and I finally found it.
„Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, and the truth, and the life: no one cometh unto the Father, but by me.“John 14:6
I received Jesus into my heart, into my life, as my Lord, and I was baptized in the Living Faith Church in Šaľa, which I attend to this day. The people in it received me with love from the beginning. I had never encountered the kind of acceptance and love I received from them. I thought it was unrealistic and I honestly had to get used to it for a very long time, as I had trouble letting someone in. I’ve found that I don’t have to be alone for everything and there are people I can trust.
It was the best decision of my life. I found the most important relationship in my life – a relationship with Jesus that filled all that emptiness in me, healed all the pain, forgave me all my sins and gave me the new life I so longed for, but by my own will I could never change.
“Wherefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, they are become new.“2. Corinthians 5:17
By that I mean a really real change, not just a mask, I was able to forgive myself, my father for leaving me as a child, and every person who ever hurt me, and I myself asked for the forgiveness of those I hurt. I was filled with a peace I had never felt before, gratitude and an indescribable sense of freedom. It used to be something unimaginable for me. He freed me from all darkness. I stopped cursing, going to parties and concerts, not that someone forbade me to do so, naturally I stopped wanting and looking for such places. I quit smoking. He has gradually taught me and is still teaching me how to start trusting people again, how to open up to people, how to rebuild real relationships. He relieved me of the fear of people, of death and panic attacks and anxieties, which I had cultivated well in all this time. It teaches me to love myself and others. He gave me the most wonderful husband who loves me, with him a new family and our common home. My life has changed by 180 degrees and I am finally happy. However, I still have a long way to go, but I know that I can handle everything, every situation with it. Of course, I don’t have pink glasses on my eyes, not everything is always perfect. Life also brings difficult moments and situations, trials, challenges, it’s not always easy, but I learned one thing and I can confirm on concrete that everything is easier with Jesus and there is nothing that one can’t handle. As it is written in Luke 1:37, “for with God nothing is impossible.” And in Psalm 18:30 “I will surely break through the enemy, and with my God I will surpass the wall.” Only he can bring peace to the moments when it is impossible for us, hope for despair, joy where there is sadness. He defeated death forever and is the winner. And by his side we are also winners.
You and I were created to live in a relationship with God. Unless we discover this relationship, we will miss something in our lives. I tried to fill it empty with cadets, I only succeeded when I met Jesus, not as a mythical figure, but as a living God who works in people’s lives today, changes lives, heals the sick, banishes fear, heals from addiction. It helps in difficult times. It is not a dead religion, it is not a tradition or a helping bar for the weak. It is a real relationship with a real living God. In whatever situation you are in, bad or good, you may think you already have everything that you don’t need God, but be honest with yourself, don’t you really feel a sense of emptiness deep inside?
The Bible says that every person has sinned, we have not had to do anything wrong, we have been born with inherited sin, and we can only be justified by this sin through faith in Jesus. We do not have to do any rituals, acts, we do not have to deserve it, it is a gift of grace and love for us, who we can choose to accept or reject. As it is written in Romans 3: 22-26:
„even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ unto all them that believe; for there is no distinction; for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God; being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: whom God set forth to be a propitiation, through faith, in his blood, to show his righteousness because of the passing over of the sins done aforetime, in the forbearance of God; for the showing, I say, of his righteousness at this present season: that he might himself be just, and the justifier of him that hath faith in Jesus.“Romans 3:22-26
It is up to each person to decide, God has given us free will, he does not force anyone to come to him, but I will tell you, you will not lose anything, on the contrary, you can only gain, and eternal salvation for your life. All you need is your sincere heart and this loud prayer:
“Dear Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you died for my sins and rose from the dead on the third day. Please forgive my sins, just as I forgive every human being. Please come to my heart and now I am voluntarily giving my life to You. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for hearing me, saving me, and bringing me back to the Father. Amen. ”